Retired

MOTIVATIONAL PRODUCTS DON'T WORK. BUT OUR DEMOTIVATOR® PRODUCTS DON'T WORK EVEN BETTER.

When we started Despair, we had a dream. To crush other people's dreams. But we knew, given our goal, we'd be in for a fight. After all, the Motivation Industry has been crushing dreams for decades, selling the easy lie of success you can buy. That's why we decided to differentiate ourselves- by crushing dreams with hard truths!

Accomplishments

You can fool all of the people all of the time if your effects budget is large enough.

Acquisition

The discovery that you're no longer a big fish in a small pond, or even a small fish in a big pond, but a small fish in a big fish.

Adaptation

The bad news is robots can do your job now. The good news is we're now hiring robot repair technicians. The worse news is we're working on robot-fixing robots- and we do not anticipate any further good news.

Adversity

That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.

Agony

Not all pain is gain.

Apathy

If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bugging us.

Arrogance

The best leaders inspire by example. When that's not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well, too.

Attitude-Platitude

Your attitude determines your altitude about as much as that platitude inspires my gratitude.

Bailouts

From each according to his ability, to each according to his lack thereof.

Beauty

If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core.

Bitterness

Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world, because there's nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams.

Blame

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

Blogging

Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.

Bravery

Every man dies. But not every man truly lives only to die of sheer stupidity.

Burnout

Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.

Caution

Life doesn't always want to be grabbed by the horns.

Change

When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can turn into deadly projectiles.

Change (Mafia)

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, concerned individuals can change the world. Indeed, it's how we got stuck with the IRS, the Federal Reserve and the Mafia.

Collaboration

When a motivated group of people join together, they can turn problems into opportunities. Especially drinking problems.

Collaboration-Hands

It's not much use pooling your resources if your chief resource is stupidity.

Commitment

You don't have to be crazy to work here, but if you are, you'll be taken care of.

Committees

Just like teamwork. Only without the work.

Conformity

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

Congress

Proudly defending the status quo long after the quo has lost its status.

Creativity

Helps artists die young, miserable, and penniless- so their art can have meaning to the old, satisfied, and obscenely rich.

Curiosity

Some places remain unknown because no one has ventured forth. Others remain so because no one has ever come back.

Customer Care

If we really cared for the customer, we'd send them somewhere better.

Customer Disservice

Because we're not satisfied until you're not satisfied

Dare to Slack

When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness.

Defeat

For every winner there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them.

Despair

It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.

Destiny

You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment.

Destiny (Rock)

Even the most ambitious little pebble will never grow up to be a big rock.

Discouragement

You are the wind beneath my wings, otherwise known as turbulence.

Discovery

A company that will go to the ends of the Earth for its people will find it can hire them for about 10% of the cost of Americans.

Disloyalty

There comes a time when every team must learn to make individual sacrifices.

Disservice

It takes months to find a customer, but only seconds to lose one... The good news is that we should run out of them in no time.

Diversity

Because every person deserves an equal chance to prove their incompetence.

Do It Later

The early worm is for the birds.

Dreams

Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.

Dysfunction

The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.

Effort

Hard work never killed anybody- but it is illegal in some places.

Effort-Bike

Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never fail.

Elitism

It's lonely at the top, but it's comforting to look down upon everyone at the bottom.

Errors

Failure is just the opportunity to begin again more intelligently, and if you're surrounded by screwups, you'll become an expert in it.

Excuses

If you keep asking others to give you the benefit of the doubt, they'll eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Failure

When your best just isn't good enough.

Fear

Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea.

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Retired

MOTIVATIONAL PRODUCTS DON'T WORK. BUT OUR DEMOTIVATOR® PRODUCTS DON'T WORK EVEN BETTER.

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